Surviving the Apocalypse

My Choose Your Own Apocalypse  Blogfest entry



So what have I done to ensure my survival to fast coming apocalypse? 

I uprooted myself from my homeland to move to the most geologically stable continent on the Planet.  I have, therefore put myself out of harms reach of earthquakes.  I reside in the lightly populated area of North Queensland in Australia, a full two hours drive from the largest city in the area, Cairns.

I have put myself behind the great barrier reef and live 900m above sea level (about 3000ft), 60 km inland, limitng the impact of both flood and tsunami.

I live in a tropical area thereby bypassing the need for heating my home, and keeping myself out of harms way for any sudden beginning to a new ice age.

Also, by living in the southern hemisphere, the trade winds will keep the bulk of the nuclear radiation away from my house, should the northern hemisphere self destruct in a series of nuclear fireballs.

By moving to an underpopulated area of the globe, I also don't expect the Aliens to bother targeting this area, they'll be after the military and nuclear powers.  Australia doesn't rank.

Geographically, I have done well.

However, the Apocalypse won't be any of those.  The way my luck runs I'll be attacked by an army of starving man eating zombies. 

If that's the case, and I'm facing down such a horde, I suspect, to quote one of the post WWIII films to come out of the eighties, the survivors will envy the dead.  In order to ensure that I do not suffer long from such unfortunate envy, I have kept myself nice and fat, to be an attractive feast for such an army.

I also hope to meet a vampire first, so that instead, I'll be commanding the horde instead of being eaten by it.  To that end, I'm using my blog to advertise for such a meeting.

If you are a vampire and are in need of a reasonably smart, problem solving lackey, be sure to contact me through this blog, so that a meeting can be arranged at your earliest convenience.

The truth is, this end of days will be probably be marked by the birth of the antichrist, or peraps its creation- either through genetic maipulation, natural evolution or even the construction of the first true computer AI.  Which means we still have time to do something about it.

Eddard Chapter Three: Raid at the Depot

We struck, as usual, at night.  Logan and I approached the depot weaving and staggering a bit, speaking with slurred words.

"Thish ya place?" Logan asked me with some pseudo-drunken trepidation.

"I don't undershtand," I said, "My housh was here this morning.."

A Hobgoblin poked his headabove the gate.

"That your wife?"

"Nahh.. my wife's uglier.  Hey!" I said staggering around a little,"who are you and what have you done with my wife?"

"You!" A human called down from the walls,"Get out of here."

"Waffor? This is my house."

"Yeah," Logan said," Who are you and what have you done with his house?"

"I want into my house! I want to speak with my wife."  I said that with all the inane billigerence of a drunken man.

"Go away," the human guard said, "you don't live here."

"Oh but I do,"  I said stumbling closer to the wall, "its my house."  And then I urinated against the wall.

"Get out of here!  Now!" and then the gate opened.

I drew my swords and jumped to the attack.  My concern was the gate.  I wanted to secure it before they could close it.  As the gate opening was the prearranged signal, the archers let fly with fire arrows.

Logan cut his man down, and I took care of the hobgoblin on the battlements.  But we had made a critical error.  We estimated about 20 enemy were here, but there was more like thirty.  Still, we carried the attack.

Garrus and Ulf charged in horseback even as the hobgoblins in the yard formed a first line.  Thoram and Azzarrak came running as fast as the could to join the fight.  Once I secured the gate, I poured oil across the front.  I didn't light it yet.

Garrus rode in and smashed the first line, I charged after him, with Ulf and Logan.  But arrows began to fall on us, as a second line was forming.  I then saw horsemen riding from the stables on the other side of the compound.

We cut down the first seven or eight quickly, but a second line of 15 was forming, egged on by human sergeants.  I took a bad arrow in the side, and fought on, hurting, and I must say not very successfully. 

About 2 minutes or so since the battle started, and 3 of us were wounded.  The battle was not going our way.  with more hobgoblins joining the archers second rank, we sounded the retreat.  And all of us pulled out of the compound.  Miracle of miracles, we didn't lose anyone during the combat.  I was the last to clear the gate, and lit the area on fire.

The party scattered, all heading back to the rendezvous point by their own ways.  It was better that way as we figured if they caught one or two of us, the others would at least get away.

And we all did eventually meet there.  No one from our side was killed.  Wren was the last to meet, but the papers she found on the leader of the fort implicated Sir Garrus' father.

Eddard Chapter 3: Adventures in Scornubel

The Depot

The morning confirmed my belief.  We were leaving to investigate the depot we spied upon earlier.  Garrus thought that we may be able to obtain evidence about the destination of the unaccounted for slaves.  I wanted to put that place out of action.  I thought that with the addition of our mercenary friends, we had a good chance of doing just that.

Tia wasn't working that morning, but I tracked her down at her room behind the Inn.

"I have to leave again," I said," we're going after the others who were taken."

"Please take care of yourself," she replied.

"I will.  I am coming back, I promise you."

"How long will you be gone?"

"I may be back in a few days, but I suspect it won't be for very long.  I'll have to leave again."

She nodded slowly, and we kissed again, but it was lacking the raw passion of the previous night.  I think neither of us were really looking forward to being apart again.

I bought some pies for the road and we marched out.  Garrus and Logan in the lead, on horseback.

When we returned to the depot in hills, we had to devise a plan.

After much debate, and Garrus and Logan doing most of the planning, we devised a way to draw their forces to fight us.  The archers would should over the low wall with fire arrows, setting the grass and hay on fire, forcing the livestock kept there to panic.  Logan and I would approach the front gate, pretending to be drunks on our way home.  I was to mistake the depot for my house.  As part of the lure, I'd flash that jewelled dagger around a bit, hoping to get them interested in a foray.  All of this was so that Wren could slip over the wall on the opposite side of the depot, to take the boss alive, or failing that, obtaining any documents that may shed light on the who and why.

If it all went south, I devised a retreat that involved laying oil at the gate and setting it alight after the last of our people got out.  This would frustrate any pursuit, hopefully long enough to make our getaway into the night.  We set a rendezvous point a few miles away.

Despite the opposition numbers, we believed that we would win.

Eddard Chapter 2: Conclusion

Celebration

 

We returned to the temple, taking those we freed from the Amnite slaver.  When the high priest learnt of what we accomplished, a celebration was the order of the night.  I wanted to mark the occasion with someone special, so I returned to the Troll and Maiden.

 

I approached the innkeeper, as when I entered the taproom, Tia was hard at work serving.

 

"Is there anyway I could arrange the night off for Tia?" I asked him.

 

The Innkeep was pleasant in his response.  "As you can see, the bar is rather busy tonight, I don't think I can afford to be without her."

 

"There is a special celebration at the local temple, as many thought taken as slaves have been returned."

 

"That's good news, but we are so busy." He said, perhaps a little annoyed that I was still talking to him.

 

This was going to be difficult, but I thought I had an ace in the hole.  "As you know, my friends and I have been staying here quite often in recent days, and as we need base of operations in the area.  We were thinking the Troll and Maiden would be ideal.  Letting Tia have the night off, might help convince us."

 

The Innkeep looked unsure.

 

"Remember, Thoram travels with us."

 

He considered for a moment, but not for very long.  "I think we manage without her tonight. "

 

Tia was surprised when she was called over, and given the night off.  We strolled arm and arm back to the temple.

 

In my absence, they had gotten the feast ready.  They sacrificed a cow, and prepared vegetable dishes of amazing complexity and variety.  Bread, beer, and wine were served with the feast, and nearly every local resident attended.

 

We were treated like heroes.  Thoram ate everything they put in front of him, and the more he ate, the more was placed in front of him.  Ulf bailed early, preferring to chase the wenches at the inn, but the rest of us stayed.

 

But before the night  broke up, I walked Tia back to the Inn.

 

In the light of the lamp at the taproom entrance we stopped, Contented and happy,  I looked into her eyes and she in mine.

 

"Freeing slaves," she said, voice dancing across my consciousness like a song of intense beauty," I hadn't realised your work was so dangerous."

 

I nodded, "Its what I do, but, Tia," I said with emotion than ran from my heart," You've come to mean so much to me in such a short space of time, I don't know why, but, no matter the danger or the situation, I still find a moment to think about you.  I will do the things I must do, but I need to know you are here."

 

Her answer was a kiss, long and hard in the lamplight.

 

We said our goodnights, kissed again.  Tomorrow, I knew, I would be off again.  But I would tell her in the morning.

Christmas Music Overkill

It's that time of year again, by now your ears will be overwhelmed by the continual assault of this "music" all month long.

And must we start slipping Christmas music into the shops and malls as early as November?  Is the 31 days of December not enough? I mean hell, that's 744 hours with which they can numb the mind, make us forget the meaning of Christmas, and turn us into shopping automatons.

Look, I'm not trying to be a complete scrooge, but honestly people, there's 31 days and there are not that many Christmas Carols.   How many times must one endure the tired strains of Deck the Halls, Jingle Bells, or Silent Night?  This last in particular sung by anyone who reckons they can sing, including TV stars.

Thus far this year, I have been fortunate to avoid much of this mind numbing, desensitising assault by virtue of my job.  Working outdoors hath its benefits, though not many, for my face looks like someone mistook it for lobster, but perhaps its a small price to pay.

I can point out, happily that all is not lost.  There are a handful of people that have produced excellent Christmas albums, and or songs.

Chris de Burgh wrote a song postulating that perhaps the star of Bethlehem was actually a UFO and it was an alien that marked his birth.  I reckon that's believable.

Mr. Hanky's Christmas Album is worth a listen.  There are a couple songs that do make me laugh.  Laughing is good at Christmas.  Take "Christmas Time in Hell", or the message from "Dead, Dead, Dead" or the slightly goofy "Carol of the Bells"... There are other songs on that album that make me laugh, but somehow they are not quite as Christmassy....

Twisted Sister made a Christmas album I genuinely like.  Heavy metal music and Christmas go together surprisingly well.

And, last but not least, I must mention Sarah McLachan's Wintersong.  A beautiful collection of songs, some favourites, some written specifically for the album.  Including a song about death.